According to psychiatrist William Glasser, every human being is driven by five basic psychological needs: survival, love and belonging, power (or significance), freedom, and fun (learning and growing).
When these needs are not met, people experience distress – and often this distress manifests in our relationships.
The most damaging force in any relationship is external control, the attempt to control or pressure someone else into doing what we want.
Glasser identified this as the single biggest threat to healthy human connection.
External control violates several of our core needs simultaneously.
First and foremost, it threatens freedom – our need to make choices for ourselves.
When one person tries to control the other through criticism, guilt, threats, or coercion, it undermines that person’s sense of autonomy.
Instead of feeling free
to express themselves
or make decisions, they
may feel stifled, resentful,
or rebellious.
It also damages the need for love and belonging.
True connection thrives on acceptance and mutual respect. When someone uses controlling behaviour, the relationship becomes conditional: “I will accept you if you do what I want.”
This erodes trust and emotional safety, making genuine intimacy nearly impossible.
Power, according to Glasser, is not about domination, it’s about feeling competent, respected and valued.
When external control is used, it creates an unequal power dynamic where one person’s voice and needs are prioritised over the other’s.
This leads to frustration, disengagement or passive resistance. Neither person feels truly heard or empowered.
Even fun – the need to grow and learn and have enjoyment and lightness – suffers under external control.
When a relationship becomes a battleground of rules and expectations, spontaneity disappears.
The joy of being together is replaced by tension and performance.
The antidote to external control, as Glasser taught, is internal responsibility: focusing on changing our own behaviour rather than trying to change others. In healthy relationships, both individuals seek to meet their needs while also cooperating in meeting the needs of
the other.
They listen, negotiate and support each other without force or manipulation.
In essence, external control is so destructive because it blocks the fulfilment of our most fundamental psychological needs.
Only by replacing this control with empathy, choice, and personal responsibility can relationships truly flourish – creating space for freedom, love, significance and
shared joy.
The good news is that external control is a learned behaviour and can be replaced with internal control once we are willing to give up the habit of controlling others to get what we want.
