Many clients are surprised when I share this information with them.
Often, they come to counselling because they want a relationship without conflict.
When I tell them this is not possible they are dumbfounded. Sometimes they tell me I am wrong and point out that in the beginning they had a great relationship without arguments and got on really well, so I must be wrong.
I gently tell them that if they want a relationship without arguments, that is very achievable, what is not possible having no conflict.
Fights and arguments are one way, and a very bad one at that, of dealing with the inevitable conflict that will occur in any healthy relationship.
To understand this, we need to become familiar with what a conflict actually is. We all know how conflict feels, but very few of us understand what is truly happening.
A conflict occurs whenever there is disagreement about how to go about meeting each of the protagonists needs. It is possible to have conflict with a friend, colleague, partner, sibling or child.
It is possible to have conflict between countries or even internally within ourselves. What is common in these situations and the reason conflict turns destructive, is the belief of one or both protagonist that they are right and the other is wrong.
This then leads to actions being taken to get what they want and when this doesn’t match what the other wants, it becomes a win/lose situation.
For an individual having internal conflict within themselves, they are also in a win/lose situation, but this time it is between trying to meet one need at the expense of another.
When one protagonist wins and the other loses, the relationship loses too.
This is because when only one set of needs is met, particularly at the expense of the others needs, at best it signals a lack of care for the other.
This will lead to a disconnection in the relationship and arguing and fighting if each continues trying to win. In our relationship with ourselves, we may be very successful at meeting one of our needs, but if that is at the expense of one or more other needs the result will likewise be unsatisfactory.
The end result in each case is each successive conflict will be harder to resolve and lead to a worsening of the relationship.
Understanding that conflict is an opportunity to build our relationship is foreign to most of us.
A well handled conflict involves listening to the other, accepting differences and negotiating fair ways for each to meet their needs.
The process isn’t difficult but learning to give up the old habit of win/lose is.
