The word boundary has become part of our everyday language.
We are encouraged to set boundaries with our partners, our children, our parents, our friends and even our workmates.
Generally speaking, this is a good thing.
Healthy boundaries are important, but I believe we sometimes misunderstand what a boundary actually is.
A genuine boundary is about what I will do, not about controlling what you must do.
Consider these two statements: “You aren’t allowed to speak to me like that.”
Or “If we’re shouting at each other, I’m going to stop the conversation and try again when we’re calmer.”
They sound similar, but there is an important difference.
The first is really a direction to the other person: You must change your behaviour.
The second is a decision about my own behaviour: This is what I am going to do.
That might seem like splitting hairs, but it goes to the heart of how we get along with other people.
We live in a world full of people who don’t always behave the way we would like them to.
Our partners will sometimes disappoint us, friends will occasionally let us down, family members will say things we disagree with, workmates will irritate us.
That’s called being human.
Increasingly however, I hear people describe almost any uncomfortable interaction as someone “crossing my boundaries”.
Sometimes they clearly have.
Abuse, intimidation, coercion, persistent disrespect and unwanted physical or sexual behaviour are obvious examples where strong boundaries are essential, but being disagreed with isn’t a boundary violation.
Neither is being disappointed, challenged, annoyed or hearing something we don’t particularly want to hear.
Sometimes what we are experiencing is simply conflict, and conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship.
No two people need or want exactly the same things or think exactly the same way or see every situation from exactly the same perspective.
The danger comes when boundaries become walls.
If every disagreement results in us protecting our position by blocking someone, walking away or removing people from our lives, we may become very good at avoiding conflict without ever becoming particularly good at resolving it.
Strong relationships aren’t built by two people who never upset each other.
They are built by people who gradually learn how to disagree, listen, negotiate, apologise, forgive and repair.
When we think that someone has crossed a boundary we could ask ourselves, “Am I protecting myself from genuinely harmful behaviour, or am I trying to make this person behave the way I want them to?”
There is an enormous difference, I can’t control what you say, think, believe or do.
I can though, tell you what I need, and I can explain how your behaviour impacts me.
I can also ask whether we can find a better way forward, but ultimately I need to decide what I will do.
That’s my boundary. Everything else is simply an attempt to control someone else dressed up in fashionable language. The healthiest boundaries aren’t about keeping people out, instead they help us learn how to live together.
